So I was journal-ing this morning and I realized that I was writing as if someone were going to read it. Its my journal, not something that anyone ever reads besides myself, and here I am writing while in the back of my mind I am worrying about how it is going to sound to someone else. Now I am not saying that was catering to someone else while I was writing my journal, but I had this small sense as if someone were reading it, and then subconsciously I think I was thinking about what they would think about me afterward.
So, I came to the conclusion that I accidentally live my life around my image most of the time. Its not something I actively think about but in the back of my head I am living as if I were being looked at or judged.
I think that a lot of our culture today is to blame for this, and that I am not alone in the imaged-based life. Everything in our culture, from facebook, to where we shop, to this very blog, is based around a public display of one's self, and if you don't portray yourself in a certain light then people may get the wrong idea of who you are on the inside.
This makes me feel so sad, and ashamed of myself to be honest, because I don't want to live that life. Especially when it comes to my faith. I don't want my lived out faith to become a part of my image. I don't want to strive to be like Jesus just so that my christian image with be parallel with my christian actions. I want to strive to be like Jesus because of the personal relationship I have with him, and I want that love of Christ to flow out of me as a result of the love he shows me, not because I feel obligated to in order to keep up my reputation.
Hope this makes some sense.
